A Faith Rocked But Not Destroyed

There have been two times in my life where I feel my faith has been the most vulnerable. Twice where I felt that my faith had endured an atomic attack.

The first time happened when I was in my 20s. A beloved pastor and mentor whom I had respected and loved, fell to infidelity. This may not sound like much to some, but to a relatively new Christian, a pastor was someone almost above reproach. You certainly did not expect infidelity to be a struggle for them. At least it wasn’t in my mind. But there it was.

The day my pastor announced the news and asked the church for forgiveness was one of the most emotionally confusing days of my life. I loved my pastor. And of course, I forgave him. But, if he (who was such a godly man) struggled and fell, what hope did I have?

Shortly thereafter I came out as a gay man and the church that I had grown to love kicked me out of the congregation. It truly was a dark and rebellious time for me.

Years later, I came back to the Lord and renewed my walk with Him. Eventually, I  accepted who He made me be.

Christians were not happy.

But then it happened again.

This time, it wasn’t a pastor but rather the Christian community that delivered the groundbreaking blow.

As I witnessed a man who lacked any sense of morality take a stand to run for the presidency of a “Christian nation”, I laughed.

Surely this is a joke. This man just wanted publicity.

But then I saw people rallying behind him.

And those people were “Christians”.

And then this man became the president.

I struggled like I had not struggled ever since that day in that Baptist church. My emotions were laid bare as I witnessed people who had condemned immorality in any form, cast their lots on a man who had no resemblance to anything described as a good leader. Rather this man was prideful, arrogant, sexually immoral, a liar, and the list just went on.

As a person who has been the victim of an untold amount of accusations and doubts concerning my salvation because of my sexual orientation, it blows my mind that these same people can so easily support a man that has blatantly and unequivocally done what the Lord says is wrong.

So, I struggled.

For a while, I was angry because I felt betrayed.

I was angry because I felt so lost…again.

It’s been a year now and I’m not angry, though I have not stepped inside a church.

I don’t think I ever will.

But that does not mean that I have lost my faith. The irony is that in some ways my faith is stronger.

In the midst of everything that has happened, the Lord, I feel, has shown me that people are people. It doesn’t matter what label they brand themselves with or what they look like. At the end of it all, people are people. We are people. And God loves us the same.

I’ve had to learn to separate who Christ is with the label of “Christianity” and take Christ at his own merits. And in Christ, I have placed my trust.

My faith was rocked but not destroyed because my eyes have always looked to the Lord. The whole world could go against Him but my eyes will be on the Lord.

I don’t say that to sound haughty. My eyes are fixed on Him because he’s made that possible. It has nothing to do with me.

Nevertheless, what I have learned is that now more than ever, it’s important to grab hold of Christ. To seek Him and to love Him. Not the religion, but the person.

There is so much rhetoric, dogma, and religious talk that sounds holy. But the gospel is simple, faith in Christ. And that faith draws you to that which is good.

“It doesn’t matter what label they brand themselves with or what they look like. At the end of it all, people are people. We are people. And God loves us the same.”

There are some Christians who see Trump for who he is.

There are some that don’t.

This no longer shocks me.

I feel the Lord is calling us out. These are dark times. Now, more than ever, light must shine.

This light is not ours but the Lord’s. Therefore, if we are not connected to Him, we will always lack the ability to shine it.

Brothers and sisters, let us hold fast unto the Lord so that His light can shine. It needs to shine.

The world has seen the hypocrisy of the churches and has lumped anyone and everyone who dare claim the label “Christian” in the same boat.

The world does not respect Christianity anymore. But why would they when Christianity keeps standing for and doing that which is supposed to stand against:

Pastors of mega-churches are wealthy and greedy.

Pastors are constantly caught in sexual sins

Churches fail to stand up to racial injustice, economic abuse, and migratory hatred

Churches have become angry and political with no hint of love or caring.

And churches have elected a man that is nothing even remotely close to a person that is a moral example.

The world has taken note.

And when one of the few commandments Jesus actually gave us, which was to go out into the world and make disciples, is hindered by these failures, there’s a problem.

Jesus wants people to come to Him, but the church has made that difficult. People can’t see Jesus in church people anymore.

What Happened To The Beauty Of Salvation?

I remember a time when salvation was beautiful. Something pure and desirable.

But somewhere in the course of time, that changed.

The church has tarnished the beauty of salvation and replaced it with a dirty mirror of greed, hypocrisy, lack of faith, and legalism.

It’s sad because this was not always the case.

When I became a believer, I was 15 years old and had lots of issues.

But on a Wednesday night church service that I had begrudgingly agreed to attend, an evangelist spoke about Jesus.

He spoke about Jesus’ life. He spoke about Jesus’ humiliation at our hands. He spoke about Jesus’ gruesome death and about His resurrection.

I had never heard about Jesus quite like this and on that night I found Him to be the most beautiful person I have ever heard of.

You see, Jesus went through that painful humiliation and death to save me. To pay for something I should be paying for, but couldn’t.

As I willingly started to come to church and learn about God, I met other people. People of humble faith, genuine hearts, and full of love.

These people were beautiful.

And though there were disagreement about theology, music, movies, and everything else you can think of, they were still beautiful.

In hindsight I think what made them so beautiful is that they genuinely loved. They prayed for people, visited the sick, were sacrificial in many ways, prayed for sinners (not in condemnation but in genuine pleas for their well being).

But I don’t see that anymore.

What I see is a group of people who have assumed the label of “Christian” but that are tethered to the things of this world.

They place their desires above the spirit of the Lord. They seek their own will instead of the Lord’s. They lean on their own strength instead of the Lord’s.

Instead of loving and praying for people, they lift up “the law of the land” and treat foreigners as strangers when the Lord says to treat them as your own people.

They barrage sinners with the Bible and religious quotes when the Lord says it is He who brings people to repentance.

They allow widows, children, and the fatherless to be forsaken through political greed when the Lord said to stand up for these.

They are loud and contentious about little things like Starbucks cups, wedding cakes, photography, and movies, and yet are silent at the injustice of racism, political corruption, and other forms of discrimination.

They love their rules and appearance of holiness all the while forsaking the simple call of relationship with God.

And the list could go on.

But I’m left asking “what happened”?

I loved being part of the Christian community before. It felt like home.

Now, it feels so foreign it might as well be a cult.

I miss seeing people filled with supernatural love. That was beautiful.

I miss seeing people trusting the Lord. That was beautiful.

I miss Christians standing up to injustice. That was beautiful.

I miss beautiful.


When White Supremacists Are On The Move

I currently sit in a Firehouse Subs restaurant thinking.

A lot has happened.

Yesterday I saw a disturbing display of hatred. White people with torches marching through an institution of learning in clear opposition of people different than them.

It's ironic really.

Did they not learn the ignorance of hating people for their skin color? How did they not learn this?

I sit here feeling more vulnerable then I have ever felt.

I thought we were passed this!

People died yesterday because someone could not see past the color of someone else's skin. Someone died because of hatred so strong, it's like the stuff of movies.

But this is not a movie, it's real. My God it's real.

I've often wondered how my grandparents dealt with the obvious displays of racism. How did they deal with outright condemnation and devaluation of their being due to their skin color and nationality?

Looks like I'm about to find out.

Everyday these outright displays of bigotry become more common. Furthermore, the elected leadership of this country seem to not take a strong stance against it. Instead, they play their political games with politically correct rhetoric while people like me seek assurance.

An assurance that says "we are not going to let these bad people persecute you".

I was actually holding my breath to see this assurance become reality.

I've stopped holding my breath.

It's becoming obvious to me that help is not going to come from my leadership.
I guess that shouldn't surprise me.
But then, where IS help coming from?

Some will say "the Lord".

This is true.

But the Lord uses instruments, people. Where are his instruments?

I sit here seriously thinking about how to protect myself, how to protect others, how to stand against prejudice and injustice.

I shouldn't really be thinking this. Or should I?

Maybe I've been living in a bubble and I'm finally waking up?

Matrix style with a pill and everything.
It's a rude awakening.

I really wish those people knew what it feels like to feel like this. It's one thing if a person hates me because I'm an asshole.

I can deal with that.

But to hate me simply because I'm darker skinned?

Who can control their birth skin color?

Then again, as a gay man this should not be all that foreign to me.

It's just frustrating to look in the mirror and see someone that is hated by such a large group of people for reasons that cannot be controlled.

It's dumb.

So what am I going to do about it?

I am going to love but stand for justice. I am going to fight with compassion. I am going to pray and shout as loud as I can. I am going to heal as best as I can.

The bubble is broken.

My safety net is gone.

The bigots are bold now and my life is not worth much to them.

In an instant, one of them could run me over with a car.

In an instant.

I pray I'm being sensational.
I pray I'm wrong.
I pray this is just the media blowing things out of proportion.

But sadly I know it's not so. Sadly, I know that this ugly truth has been here all along. Except now it has a face, and we see it for what it really is.

That mask is slowly coming off, and as it does we incrementally see how disfigured and grotesque this face is.

Who can stand it?

God help us.

Christians’ Vote for Trump Tells Me Everything I Need to Know


It’s hard to imagine that there was a time when I looked up to church leaders.

It’s hard to imagine that there was a time when I looked up to the so called “Christians”.

I once felt like I belonged in the “Christian” group. Like I was home amongst people that genuinely cared for me.

Many of you probably knew me back then.

It’s hard to imagine how blind I used to be, and how I didn’t see past the farce sooner.

I stand looking at my social media feeds and what is happening as our nation elects what is without a doubt one of the most ungodly if not THE most ungodly man to ever aspire the seat of the American presidency.

What’s even worse is that so called “Christians” are cheering this sad scenario on. These are the same “Christians” that I’ve personally debated over the appropriateness of worship music styles (such a trivial matter really) and yet they back a man that shames our country with a filthy rhetoric of hate and intolerance.

The same “Christians” that taught me to guard my heart are turning a blind eye to one of the darkest hearts in politics right now.

The same “Christians” that admonished me to live a sexually pure life support a man that is OK and even boasts of grabbing women by the pussy, demeans women by attacking their looks and their personal struggles, and has even been married three times. What ever happened to all that preaching about divorce?

Such hypocrisy.

Let me make this clear: you “Christians” have lost any credibility to preach to me about your delusion of righteousness.

I’m tired of pleading with a group that is able to suspend notions of belief only to elect a morally bankrupt man because his worlds tickle the ears.

However, you will find yourselves deceived.

The devil promises many things and keeps none.

But by the time you realize your error, it’ll be too late.

What happens from here on is your responsibility and you bare the full blame.

When love was required you embraced hate. With your vote, you told people like me that we don’t matter.

How could I ever turn to a group who doesn’t care about me.

I will never turn to such a group.


I challenge the notion that you serve a loving god knowing full well that you don’t.

You serve yourselves and disguise this in a Halloween costume of a poor imitation of the Truth.

I will still seek the Lord. I will do so for the rest of my life.

But at least now I know where I won’t find Him.


The Church is weak and afraid.

Donald Trump. 
The very mention of this name saddens me. But not for any reason that you might think of. 
Donald Trump is a glaring example of how the church has lost sight of her first love.

Why is Donald Trump so appealing? It’s not because he is the epitome of morality, character, or spiritual fortitude. 


His appeal, as far as I can see, is due to his promise to “make America great”. To defend the seemingly pure race of Americanism and expel the dreadful illegals that have overrun this country and whose sole purpose is its destruction.

But that’s exactly where the problem lies. 

I met a man once. A godly man, full of the Spirit and incredibly wise. He was a missionary and you could tell he ached for those who had never heard of Jesus. 

This man had been to some of the most remote places on earth! 

He loved coming into contact with foreigners because, as he put it “it’s an opportunity to share the good news”. 

I always admired his zeal because it was one of the many ways where his love for the Lord showed. 

Today, Christians are shouting for “illegals” to go back to their country. Today, Christians are more concerned about the comfort and status of a “pure America” rather then the passionate heart of a loving God that says “if I be lifted up, I will draw all men unto me”. 


The scriptures say that in the end times the church will be deceived. From where I stand it looks like that’s already happened.

We’ve been deceived into believing that this world is our home. We’ve been deceived into believing that we have rights when we’re not even our own. We’ve been deceived into valuing the welfare of our own interests when our master laid down his throne for us. We’ve been deceived into caring about the financial status of our country when our Lord was able to produce coins from the mouths of fishes. 

We’ve been deceived into elevating the law of God above the law of love which scripture clearly says is more valuable than the law itself. 

We’ve forgotten who our first love is. Is He not the one that told us never to worry because he clothes the lilies of the fields and we are more valuable than them? Is He not the one that showed us who our tue neighbors are with the example of a Samaritan? Is he not the one that reached out to the woman at the well when societal norms strictly prohibited him from doing so? Is he not the rose of Sharon? Is He not Emmanuel? Who is it that we are following? Please someone tell me?

The lord said “you shall know my disciples by the love they have for one another” but the church is anything but loving towards its own, and let’s not even talk about those who are not “their own”. The church fails Jesus’ test. 

Who do we serve?

Do we serve an anemic God whose frailty prevents him from providing for our needs to the point that we must run to a morally bankrupt leader in hopes that he provides them?

Do we serve a God so cold hearted, that we think that he would be ok with us turning people away due to foolish things as “laws” when time and time and time and time again HE says, welcome the foreigner among you and treat him as your own?!

Have we forgotten the measure that God looked for in a leader? What he has always looked for In a leader? Spoiler alert. It is not Donald trump.


You who proclaim and judge and chastise those depraved individuals in sin, won’t you judge yourself?

The world looks at you and laughs. You’re a joke?!?! 

With one hand you proclaim to serve a powerful God but all of your actions say otherwise. 

You are a joke!

Because of you the name of the lord is blasphemed at the top of the rooftops.

You are weak!

You are sick!

Wake up!

You have led many children to their deaths both physically and spiritually. Do you not think that on that day, God is not going to judge? Oh He will judge and you will be found guilty. 

Don’t think you can hide under your “Jesus salvation” for true salvation comes with a change of heart. But what I see is a lot of talk and little action.

When the God of love resides in you, you can’t help but have love. So don’t fool yourself you who think a simple prayer saves your soul.

The scriptures say if you believe “with your heart”. Not with a prayer. 

If I were you, I would check your salvation. Because what you are doing and are failing to do is more inline with the demons than with the Angels.

Wake up church!

You’ve played the whore with God and the lover is none other than yourself!!!

But the Lord says he chastises those whom He love.

Church, your chastisement is near. It’s at the door, lo it has turned the handle and its walking in!

Your chastisement is near.


Turn from this cold heart and ask the Lord, the true God to change it. Has he not said that he makes beauty from ashes? Can he not do the same to you?


Your actions have not gone unnoticed but have been judged lacking. But the Lord is still knocking. If anyone hears his voice and opens the door, he will come in and dine with him. 

Church, the Lord is knocking. He has been knocking for quite some time. He is waiting for you to open the door. That door that you have slammed in his face.

You say the sin in America is incurring God’s wrath. 

Foolish church. The Sin in America is you. Your lack of love. Your lack of power. God tasked you to proclaim the truth, but the truth is more than just words. The truth is power! The supernatural power of God to love and overcome supernaturally. 

You have hidden it. It doesn’t show. You have failed to proclaim to a lost world that a God full of power is pleading with them to come to Him!!!


The sin is you! And the judgment coming to America is your fault. 

How can you possibly build a nation with a rotten foundation? The weight of the structure will fall and crush anything caught underneath.

He who has an ear let him hear!

Repent oh church! 

Put on the garment of praise and let your husband’s fragrance of Iove permeate your attire. 

Come back to that place where you first met Him. And let Him love you. Let him embrace you in his loving arms and reassure you that you are loved beyond measure. His desire for you is great! 

But you run. 

Even when you think you are walking you run. 

But as soon as you turn, you’ll see you could never in your wildest dreams outrun a loving, jealous, passionate God. He who moves mountains to reach his beloved.


Hate in Mass Shooting, Race Shooting, and Cop Shooting


These past few weeks has revealed a horrible truth: people like me are still not safe.

On one hand, you have terrorists; vile and depraved beings, who think so little of human life so as to destroy the life of 50 innocent people only because of their different sexual orientation. On the other hand, there’s the select few who have taken oaths to protect us but instead hunt us down for no other apparent reason than the color of our skin.

But as if all this was not enough, then you have those; who for the outlining actions of a few, villainize the whole and take it upon themselves to exact retribution.

A barbaric, senseless, shameful, and dehumanizing retribution.

I can’t help but have a heavy heart.

How can a creature that is supposed to be an evolutionary advancement be so primal, ignorant, and destructive?

I want to believe that humans are better. I want to believe that one day we truly will look at each other not through a tinted glass of warped reality, but rather through no glass at all.

No divides.

Just, none.

Hate is never justified. Unfortunately the actions that are plaguing most media outlets exemplify hate.

But the answer to what is plaguing society right now is not far from anyone’s reach.

It’s not really about what government reforms can be accomplished.

It’s not about the removal of weapons or even a new president.


It’s about challenging hate…within ourselves.

Hate is a nasty weed that uses justification and excuses to exist. It hides behind the rock of principles and laws and grows on the nourishment of status quo. Like all weeds, hate starts small. Unchecked however, it grows out of control and before you know it, this invasive creature has taken over! It’s easier to remove it when it’s a tiny plant. It’s significantly harder to uproot once it has taken hold. Nevertheless, in both scenarios, hate can be dealt with.

That’s right.

There is hope.

This may sound cliché, but the truth is if we want change in our world, we have to start changing ourselves.

The moment we can realize that none of us are guiltless of hate, the faster we can work together towards a solution.

Scientists believe we are the evolutionary apex of our current time. Religious folk believe we were created in the image of God. No matter how you look at it, humans are on top. Smarter and more powerful than any other living being.

Therefore, it stands to reason that we are more than able to challenge ourselves.

To be better.

To defeat hate.

My heart is indeed heavy, but I choose hope.





Donald Trump, You Will Not Have My Vote

Politics is scary and it’s rare for me to be in this position. I tend to not be too vocal about my political views. However, this election is different.

At first I thought it was a joke. Donald Trump running for president? What kind of popularity/media antic was this? Surely no one would ever think of taking this guy seriously? After all, his off color tweets, crazy media rants, financial woes, etc more than show his inability to lead a country. Anybody can see that…but boy was I wrong.

As I sit here and write, Trump has won the South Carolina Primary by an overwhelming 32.5%. He’s also won New Hampshire and Nevada. What I previously thought was laughable, has now become a source of concern. This is a candidate that wants people like me out of this country.  This is a candidate that hesitates to denounce a confirmed white supremist activist. This is a candidate that belittles women and minorities. And that’s not even the worst part…not by a long shot.

What saddens me even more is to see the evangelical group seemingly in full support of this man. What I once hoped was a cynical view of religious people has now be proven to be a correct view after all. The church does not care about the world, people, caring for the sick, the poor, the needy.  They don’t care about preaching the gospel, following Christ…none of that.  The church has become a lip service, a figure head of something that is nice and that every good person should try to do. But when it comes to standing up against injustice and those who practice it, nah, that’s too fanatical.

Donald Trump (among many things) has advocated against the poor, the needy, the hard working. He also dares to claim to be a Christian, a follower of Christ, who according to his own words is not in need of forgiveness.  Wait…what? Isn’t that the whole point? That we are sinners and need forgiveness?

I’ve been told by some of my friends that they rather vote for him than “a socialist” or God forbid, someone like Hilary Clinton.  But is Fascism better than Socialism? In order to not vote for a socialist, you rather vote for a fascist?

I cannot be silent anymore. This man, Donald Trump, is not someone a Christian should be voting for. He reflects everything Christ has denounced! His actions are prideful, arrogant, rapacious, reckless, and so much more.  Scripture tells us that a wise man rules over his tongue and is slow to anger but Donald Trump has shown otherwise. How can a person rule a nation and yet fail to rule himself?

As I sit in and pray, I can’t in good faith say that I am voting for someone who is godly, honorable, and righteous. Of course, you could argue that no politician is like this. I might even agree with you.  However, if there was ever a display of a lack of decency, morality, conviction, wisdom, compassion, mercy, truth, and anything that is Godly, is here and now in Donald Trump.

I may not know exactly who will have my vote…but I do know exactly who won’t. And that person is emphatically, without question, and certain with every single fiber of my being, Donald Trump.


Two Friends Gone, Twice The Grief

Everyone deals with grief differently and not all griefs are the same.
Two of my most beloved friends have died. One last year (Brian), and another last week (Lee) and I’ve reacted to both deaths differently. The aching void is the same but the uncontrollable sadness is different.
With Brian, my world was thrown for a loop. Brian was a long-time friend who, for a few reasons, had grown distant. About two years ago, we began the process of repairing our friendship. However, one abrupt evening, I got a text from his boyfriend.
Brian was dead.
Brian was suffering from pneumonia and was at the hospital. Due to health complications, doctors had to perform heart surgery.
He didn’t make it.
One of the last texts I got from him was an “I love you”.
The news was a horrid shock and completely unexpected. Sure, with operations there is always a risk of something bad happening, but Brian was athletic and fit. All indications pointed towards a successful procedure.
I lost a big part of my life that day and even to this day I haven’t fully recovered. I still think about the little quirks he used to do. I laugh at the memory and tear up at the realization that that memory can’t and won’t ever be repeated.
Brian is gone.
But just when you think you’re emotions are stable, strong, and recovered. Life decides it’s time for even more loss. This time, the void would come from the absence of Lee-my ex and one of my best friends.
Like Brian, Lee was also in the hospital. Also like Brian, Lee needed surgery for similar respiratory issues. But unlike Brian, doctors couldn’t operate on Lee. The doctors didn’t know if Lee’s liver could handle the procedure. So much for being cautious.
I got a text from Lee’s boyfriend Saturday evening.
Lee was dead.
I spent the morning crying and trying to hide the wailing sounds from my hosts’ ears. See I was in El Salvador and I was staying in the house of a dear friend of mine. I didn’t want to wake them up.
But oh how my heart ached!
After Lee and I broke up, I was worried that he would do something drastic and crazy. It was not an easy break up for neither of us, but I think it was harder for Lee.
But as fortune would have it, Lee eventually made new friends in his new home state of Texas. His job would also promote him and he would even come to fall in love with a great man. Everything looked great for Lee and I couldn’t be happier for him.
As Lee continued with his life and school and work took over mine, we would eventually distance ourselves from each other, but still keep in contact via texts and Facebook.
Lee was a joy to me.
His loss has opened a deep wound. The nasty wound of grief. But this wound feels different. Brian’s loss was raw and “in your face”. Lee’s wound has been relatively quiet. In fact, I’ve been able to smile and even talk coherently about the event.
Is it because I don’t love him? No. Nothing could be further from the truth. I adored Lee as a friend. He was a gigantic part of my life, there’s no way I could not love him.
Maybe it’s because I’m used to the grief of loss? Again I don’t think so. I still feel the sense of loss as such I’m still grieving. Besides, I don’t think you can really ever get used to grief.
So what is it?
When I read the text concerning Lee’s passing I understood the information. And though I cried and mourned, my mind apparently has not fully accepted that he is indeed gone. I noticed this when I received a message from Lee’s Facebook account. His partner accidentally sent me a message while he was logged into Lee’s account. I saw it, and somehow I was not entirely surprised until I stopped and purposefully thought about Lee’s death.
For some reason, my mind is refusing to believe that he is gone.
Logically I can see it.
I’ve read enough about the grieving process to know where I am at. And in a selfish way, it has helped me to enjoy my trip to El Salvador. But I know what’s probably going to happen. My mind is going to finally realize the truth. And all this sadness, grief, anger, and pain that I have been holding back so far, will rush out.
That’s not good.
There are many who have asked me “how are you doing?” A question that I politely answer with “I’m good” or “I’m hanging in there”.
It’s not a lie…per se.
For all intents and purposes, I am good. Moreover, indeed, I am hanging in there. But as all that goes up, must come down; I know I will have to deal with this soon.
The truth is Lee is gone and no amount of tears can bring him back. In spite of this, I have to cry.
I also need to tell my mind, that memories, though now impossible to recreate, are memories that were real and that are beautiful.
And one day, after this gash has closed. I will be able to remember his smile, his heart, his jokes, and his mannerism. Soon enough, I will smile at the happy memories, and tear up for his loss, and I’ll be ok.

Refugees Are Human Beings! Have We Forgotten? Every Christian Should See This

Recently our world has witnessed a travesty, and a complete failure of humanity in the form of the refugee crisis.  Sadly, the events of these past weeks have revealed much about our world and how we value life. People have been persecuted, left without homes, lives destroyed in a blink of an eye. But their cries for help has been received with mixed reactions the most startling of which come from Christians. Those who are supposed to stand up for the weak and champion the cause of the broken. Those who carry the name of Christ and are supposed to be like Him. But some of these very same people are shouting with a very clear message: “Keep the refugees away”. To these Christians I offer this video.