I’m seriously tired of trying. Seriously, tired of trying. No more on my end. No more.
There are seasons where you feel as if your struggles are so insignificant that for a minute, you forget you even have them. And yet there are seasons where this monster is all you see in front of you.
The season I am currently going through is definitely the second. But in many ways, this season has hit me harder than any other struggling season I have ever faced. It literally feels as if I am barely holding on to a lifeline with a unraveling sewing string as the lifeline.
I really don’t know how much more I can take. It’s like wave after wave of wall shattering waves keeps crashing into an already compromised construction. To be real frank, this is mainly about my homosexual struggle. But it’s not about having sex with men. I don’t know if I can adequately describe this feeling. But I am honestly almost besides myself. What do I want I keep asking myself.
What do i really want?
Well I know what I don’t want. I don’t want sex with a guy. I guess what I want is hope. Sometimes I wake up in the mornings and I just wish there was someone next to me, in my bed. But it’s not about the sex. It just isn’t. I mean common? Who doesn’t like a good cuddle? And why is it that all my male friendships have to be so…awkward. I have to be careful not to fall for my guy friends and be careful about…well, everything?
I look ahead and frankly, I can’t help but to cry.
You know, someone who struggles with a sex addiction, has the hope to find a true mate, live with them via holy matrimony and be under God
‘S graces. Me on the other hand (and those in my shoes) can’t. It’s not like I could ever live with a guy in that fashion and to make matters worse I am not remotely even attracted to women. (Sorry ladies). I mean, not attracted romantically. But I still want to be loved. I want to be someone’s world and someone be my world. I used to have that. Loved him dearly. He was my world and I was his…a world I have up to follow God. Am I bitter? Heck I don’t know. I just don’t know. But it’s just not fair. I guess life is not fair. I have to get used to hugging my pillow at night. And living life knowing, that I will never have someone who’s waking thought is how much they love me.
They say that people need 12 hugs a day for growth….well, growth seems to be far in the book of my existence. Oh God tell me I’m not bitter. Please tell me I’m not bitter. But I can’t help to notice all the other heterosexual guys wrestling, jesting, being comfortable around each other. Probably because try don’t have to worry about doing something wrong. I can’t help but to be envious.
Ait, so what to do from here. Self pity is not becoming for anyone and this state is plain pathetic. I could die tomorrow for all I know…so what do I do right now. Right now.
I don’t want to end up alone. But all the signs points to that inevitable event. The day where all my friends will be married, and I will be In a room by myself realizing, there’s no one to share or that I have shared a life with.
I warn you guys. This is a dark post:
Love. What a cruel beast. Usually attacks the first victim harder then the second. And when that victim wants to share this vehement disease, he is confronted with the inevitable inequality. Curse you love and all your devices. Rarely is the outcome to this disease a good one. I fought hard to keep you away, especially after the first time I contracted you. You fooled me back then, told me you were vitamins or something like that. I wish you were vitamins. But the only thing you enforce is my determination to never allow you in. You have a horrid way of knocking on my doors only to bring me to utter ruin.
And yet, as hard as I tried. For all my craftiness, fortifications, and traps. You somehow evaded them all and behold, here you are. Stating at me, mocking me for I know what you’re about to do. Dangling my desire like a holster dangles carrots in front of a rabbit. You lead me to places I did not want to go, only to open the window of truth. The truth that says that that which I so want, I can never, ever, have. Curse you love and all your demonic devices. I long for the day I can chain you and pierce you through the heart like you have done to me, so so many times.
Why is this fair! Why is this fair. But one day, your devices will be useless against me. One day I will look into your eyes and say, “your abode is in he’ll”. I hate you love. And yet I love you. I wish I could feel you. I wish I could share you. Yet here I am, once again. Staring at that window. Knowing that I can want all I want but my want will never ever become reality.