What happens when you live for 32 years and you start to get glimpses that you were so wrong? What happens when you stand on a platform that somehow has lost its footing? You realize how much a fall can hurt. You realize how much you can hurt.
I have struggled with myself since I was seven. I was mocked by many for being different, never given a chance to be free; or me. Few people stopped to encourage me. Even fewer showed me genuine love. Thank God for the few that did. Yet through all the mocking and the put downs, I stood.
I grew up to be a young man; idealistic in many ways but hopeful in all of them. It was here that I met the best person in my life. Ironically; I could not and still can’t hear Him. Yet there’s plenty of evidence to tell me that He’s real.
So I continue on this little stroll through a gamut of 17 years. Some of which were defined by moments which if described would make for a good late night movie (really late). Yet, some moments were awesome, like the clear orange light of a bright day after a storm. Through it all, I struggled with me.
Many times, I wanted so much to reach out and say “I need help” and sometimes I even did. But as fate would have it. You realize, you are pretty much alone. Now, I’m in my 30’s feeling as if I have missed something somewhere.
I think I missed the mark of my life. And now I want to aim straighter but I don’t even know how to use a bow. And what’s worst, I have no one to show me. Thank God for YouTube.
I think what it all boils down is simple (yet something I have much to learn off). Many people hurt because they don’t understand this; the deep pain of walking through a life, alone, constantly being accused of being evil, of being cursed. They don’t understand that hopelessness of coming to the realization that you can never love nor be loved like “normal” people. But even fewer will ever understand the sheer hopelessness of being hated by all.
On one camp you have the ones who hate you for your affections and on the other camp you have those who hate you for your love. You try to make sense of it all, but you end up being even more confused. Why isn’t this simple? Why can’t this be a black and white issue as well?
Why do I have these affections, and why don’t I love the person I see in the mirror? Why can’t anyone tell me if that person is worth anything? And why can’t I be given the opportunity to walk through these questions with someone?
But I’m a man now. Though, these questions are still there, I don’t have the luxury to entertain them. No, I must go. I must trust the fact that Someone knows what He has planned for me. I must also trust the fact that He does love me. I can’t let the ignorance of those who profess to be victims hold me. In truth, they will never love me. Yet on the other hand, I can’t let the dogmatic nature of those who profess righteousness, bind my questioning, wandering, highly inquisitive mind.
I walk my own path, dealing with the burden of two worlds. I walk my own path and that is who I am.