A forbidden desire

There are seasons where you feel as if your struggles are so insignificant that for a minute, you forget you even have them. And yet there are seasons where this monster is all you see in front of you.

The season I am currently going through is definitely the second. But in many ways, this season has hit me harder than any other struggling season I have ever faced. It literally feels as if I am barely holding on to a lifeline with a unraveling sewing string as the lifeline.
I really don’t know how much more I can take. It’s like wave after wave of wall shattering waves keeps crashing into an already compromised construction. To be real frank, this is mainly about my homosexual struggle. But it’s not about having sex with men. I don’t know if I can adequately describe this feeling. But I am honestly almost besides myself. What do I want I keep asking myself.
What do i really want?
Well I know what I don’t want. I don’t want sex with a guy. I guess what I want is hope. Sometimes I wake up in the mornings and I just wish there was someone next to me, in my bed. But it’s not about the sex. It just isn’t. I mean common? Who doesn’t like a good cuddle? And why is it that all my male friendships have to be so…awkward. I have to be careful not to fall for my guy friends and be careful about…well, everything?
I look ahead and frankly, I can’t help but to cry.
You know, someone who struggles with a sex addiction, has the hope to find a true mate, live with them via holy matrimony and be under God
‘S graces. Me on the other hand (and those in my shoes) can’t. It’s not like I could ever live with a guy in that fashion and to make matters worse I am not remotely even attracted to women. (Sorry ladies). I mean, not attracted romantically. But I still want to be loved. I want to be someone’s world and someone be my world. I used to have that. Loved him dearly. He was my world and I was his…a world I have up to follow God. Am I bitter? Heck I don’t know. I just don’t know. But it’s just not fair. I guess life is not fair. I have to get used to hugging my pillow at night. And living life knowing, that I will never have someone who’s waking thought is how much they love me.
They say that people need 12 hugs a day for growth….well, growth seems to be far in the book of my existence. Oh God tell me I’m not bitter. Please tell me I’m not bitter. But I can’t help to notice all the other heterosexual guys wrestling, jesting, being comfortable around each other. Probably because try don’t have to worry about doing something wrong. I can’t help but to be envious.
Ait, so what to do from here. Self pity is not becoming for anyone and this state is plain pathetic. I could die tomorrow for all I know…so what do I do right now. Right now.
I don’t want to end up alone. But all the signs points to that inevitable event. The day where all my friends will be married, and I will be In a room by myself realizing, there’s no one to share or that I have shared a life with.


9 thoughts on “A forbidden desire

  1. Juan, can I have your e-mail address & e-mail you when I get to a computer?

    Regardless, many hugs to you, darlin’ (non-romantic! Lol 😉 )

  2. Hey Bud. I hear you. I do. I am coming up on 14 years out of homosexuality. This year I have put my heart and my life more in the hands of God than any other year. I found an awesome church here in Orlando. I am running a live in ministry out of my house now. The scripture that has become real to me this year is Galatians 5:16 16 I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. I confessed my longterm addiction with porn and masturbation on here to the world. Then I got real with myself and starting devouring the bible like I had been devouring porn. It made all the difference in the world. You are definitely not alone. There is more freedom from this struggle my friend. I am living proof. Not because I am amazing, but because I got to the end of myself and to the beginning of God. Your hurt and pain are very real, not denying that my friend. I have experienced all the things they say are impossible for guys like us. But the only way I experienced it is daily surrender to God’s will no matter how I felt. I know it’s not about sex my friend. Read some of my posts. It is about seeing that you have value to another man. It is about being loved and valued by another man. The value they give to us must help us grow and develop a sense of our own value or we simply become value addicts, needing a hit when we get low. Good men who affirm us lead us into the arms of God, not to the arms of other men. I hope this helps. Im here is you need to chat or whatever bud. M.

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