Please pardon this blog post. My heart is currently heavy and jotting this emotion down is of great help in coping. If you have a knowledge of The Lord, I ask that in your remembrance pray for me and my family. Thank you all.
As I sit inside an idle bus, the news reaches my ears. My family is in trouble. I can’t say I’ve ever known my family to be free of financial burdens and adversities. But this is a new low. Before I would have gladly worked to help around the house with any financial needs. Now I find myself in a situation where I hear of all these woes and I can’t offer nothing but a prayer. A prayer for mercy from my Father. A prayer of forgiveness. Moreover I have to battle the temptation to hate the fact that I’m in college. The original intent was to be able to get a degree to further help my family. Yet this higher education quest has taken me longer than expected all the whiles my family hangs by a shredded thread. If it wasn’t for my student debt, I would have given up this quest and gotten myself a technical job. But this debt won’t allow me to go back there. I need the higher paying job in order to pay back my loan. A loan I wouldn’t have had if I just would have stayed in my previous job. I can’t help. What a horrid feeling! I have to stand here on the other side of this state and stare at the decimation of my family and I can’t help. I feel as a nude little boy trying to slay the lion with a little stick as the lion takes his liberty at my family all the whiles ignoring the fly that is me. What a wretched feeling!!! I pray I pray I pray, but at the end all I can do is hit the floor and hope that my family will somehow pull through. I fight with the temptation to hate the ones partially responsible for my family’s predicament. But alas, that’s not Jesus. Oh God, that’s just not Jesus! And if I am to follow, I must not hate. Besides, they are not wholy to blame. My family’s choices has a greater affect to this equation . Oh God. What do I do. I brace myself for the storm that’s coming, lo it’s at my door. It knocks with a mocking grin, knowing that it can break down this door whenever it wishes, relishing the knowledge that I am aware of this fact as well. I brace myself for a hard fall. Death is not an easy enemy to overcome. And though, death has no bearing on me, he still has a grip on the ones I love. What will happen when she goes? What will happen when her rest comes only to be revealed to be an eternal torment? Oh God, give me strength and let me fight. Who else will fight for them! I keep wishing to hear favorable tidings from them but all I hear are travesties. I walk with a heavy heart and I can’t shake it. Lord be my comfort. Lord comfort my family. Lord love them, keep them, guide them. And Lord, give her rest. I fear her time is ever so close, and I have failed as her grandson. She deserved one more attentive, more loving, one who would have blessed her with great grandchildren just as she wanted. She’s sacrificed so much oh God so much ! Please let her last years days, months, years be blessed. God please relieve her anxieties caused by these travesties and bless her. Can she know you? Can she find rest in you? Oh God I don’t know what I will do when she leaves. If You don’t intercede I’ll have no choice but to weep as one without hope. For what hope will I have of ever seeing her again if she does not have you? But even know oh God, I know nothing is impossible for you. Be with my family. Be with my grandma.