This is a previous note that I wrote in specific moment. However, I am feeling the exact same way right now, and so I decided to post it.
As I listened to my Ipod yesterday while riding the bus heading to work, a song came up in my rotation entitled ABBA Father by Shaun Groves. The song talks about how God is our “daddy”. Therein the struggle began. As I sat in that bus, people staring at seemingly nothing, I struggled with the though, “daddy”. I have always referred to God as my Dad, cuz He truly has been my “Dad” but as of late, I have truly been made aware at the fact that not only is God my “Dad” but He is also my Lord. Worthy of my all. Worthy of my worship and my utmost devotion. So much so, that the thought of calling God the Father my “Dad” almost now seems sacrilegious.
I could not help it. Sitting in that bus I started to cry out and share my frustration. If intimacy is knowing You God. Than how can You and I ever be intimate? For who knows You? How can anyone know You? I read in Your word where you are God the Almighty, Omnipotent Ruler. You, who is the Creator of all. You, who are the God who formed black holes, and supernovas, and suns, moons, planets, galaxies, universes, life, ALL. Are You not truly worthy of my all? So when I approach You, what shall I do? Shall I kneel? Shall I bow my head to the ground? How can I do anything less? If I were to stare at you I would surely die, for what could I possibly ever have seen that could match the beauty that is you. I know that I have never seen anything that compares. So how, how do I approach someone so exalted? But then again Lord, your Word says that You are loving and kind, full of mercies and of grace. And You have to be, because You gave up Your Son. And You allowed us, who are but mere vapors who think they are something when in reality are nothing, mock, beat and humiliate Him. WHO ARE WE TO DO ANYTHING BUT GROBEL AT YOUR FEET. Anyway, through Him You showed us that we are truly loved. And Your word says it over and over and over again that You are in love with us, heck You even call us Your bride. So then God, how do we refer to You. How do we pray to You. Shall we bow? Shall we extend our hands? Shall we remain silent? Shall we speak?
Sometimes God, I just want to walk and know that You are walking with me. I want to go to the beach and feel the waves splash on my feet, and feel you right beside me, enjoying the waves with me. Do You do that? If I were to ask You to take a stroll with me, just because I wanted to spend time with You, would that be OK with You? Would I offend You to think that something as lowly as I has the audacity to ask of the King of Kings to take a walk with him? I personally do not enjoy taking strolls with cockroaches, so how would you feel? I think we are lower than cockroaches. But yet you love us….
Dad, I want you to walk with me. I want to go to the beach and meander by the seashore, enjoying the sight of Your creation, but most of all Dad, I want to enjoy You. You Dad. MY God You. I want to sit in the middle of a forest, where there are no cell phones, no cars, no one trying to backstab you or demanding your attention, and in that place, remain still…just as long as you are in that place with me. I would love to hike up a mountain, climbing to the heights of the clouds, leaving all the worries of a troubled world behind with all its cynicism, unbelief, and obnoxioties. But I want to hike the mountain with you. If I ever fall in love with anyone, I want to fall in love with you first. I want my heart to explode at the mere mention of Your Name. I want to lie down and feel You near me. I want to wake up and feel You near me. I want to be unashamedly in love with You, with You, with YOU. But OH God, how, how, if I don’t even know how to approach You. You would think that by now, I would have a better handle on this…but after 14 years of this walk (7 of which was spent in complete rebellion against You) I find myself clueless. Absolutely clueless.
Dad, you know everything. Can I hide anything from You? You know I do love You. And I know that I love You because You loved me first. This is vividly clear to me. I guess Dad, what im trying to figure out is how do I respond to a Holy God who is perfect in every way and demands perfection and yet at the same time is absolutely crazy about His children. I guess that’s the point isn’t it. I could never earn that could I. No matter how I bow, no matter how I approach you, it will be the same, because its not up to me. You see me through the sacrifice of your Son. I stand not because I’m good, but because your Son who died for me is Good and He intercedes for me.
I think Dad, the problem is that at times You can seem so impersonal. I mean c’mon. Sometimes I feel like I’m talking to thin air. I wish I could feel your hugs. I know we have the Spirit. And there are times Dad when You have broken through and I have felt You. I know. But as You know, im a touchy kind of guy. I need hugs. I need physical touch. This distance is killing me. Cant wait til you return. OH what a glorious day that will be. OH to run in your arms and to finall, FINALLY be able to hug You, hug You. Oh and hug You some more, and maybe I can be a child in Youre arms and be completely content. That’s my longing anyways.
At any rate Dad. I hope You are not too upset at me. I have so much to learn still. So much. But I do hope that one day soon, ill be able to run to You, and have all eternity to hug You. And maybe You can toss me up and maybe tell me loud and clear that You love me…and maybe, I can spend all eternity telling I You I love You…(not like You would not know that but at least I can see Your facial expression…and Im sure it will be smiling.) OH to see you smile! Im sure that is the most beautiful sight ever!