Anger at homosexuality

yup….I’m angry

I was thinking a few days ago about a few of my friends, who like me, struggle with homosexuality, however they have decided to go back into the lifestyle.  In the moment of thought I was saddened because I knew their pain and I knew the confusion they were going through.  I have felt the very same thing and have come close to turning back myself.  If not for the Lord, I may be where they are at now.

At any rate, my thoughts at the moment broke my heart.  But as I thought more about the situation my pain went from sadness to anger.  I wasn’t angry at my friends.  Rather I was angry at the fact that they were hurting.  One of my friends sent me a message and disclosed to me how he could not help but to feel lost and how he was afraid of many things (which I can’t go into detail).  I was angry because they were hurting and as much as I wished I could do something, I couldn’t.  Ultimately, it was their choice and still is (the choice to act out that is).  Ultimately I was angry at homosexuality, because what my friends disclose to me is not something I’m unfamiliar with.  I still hold within me the consequences of that lifestyle.  With every word and deed I am reminded that in spite of the healing that the Lord has done and is continuing to do, I am still scarred.

As I sat there thinking and being angry, I felt the Lord whisper, “now you can start to see how I feel”.  And at that moment, I was made aware of something that I frequently preached but only now saw, mainly, that the Lord’s issue with sin has nothing to do with the person but with the sin itself.  My anger with homosexuality was and is great.  If it was personified, I would not hesitate in bringing the ultimate form of torture upon its person.  I would quite enjoy it actually.  But the reason why my anger towards homosexuality is so great is not because I hate homosexuals or anything near that.  It’s because homosexuality has robbed me of so much.  It has robbed me of friends who have died to aids.  It has robbed me of more friends who have taken their own lives (and before you skeptics out there say anything, my friends {yes more than one} made it quite clear that the reason for their personal demise was intricately woven with the false promises of sexual promiscuity and lack of intimacy from the homosexual world).  It has robbed me of even

Khnumhotep and Niankhkhnum. Illustration from ...

more friends to a lifestyle that hates anyone who claims religion and thus now I am estranged from those whom I love.  Let’s not even mention how homosexuality has robbed me of the comfort of genuine male intimacy and self-image.  In short, homosexuality has brought death where before there was life.  It has brought pain where before there was laughter.  It has made the simple, complex and where freedom is meant to reside, it has only brought chains of doubt and apathy.  The Lord looks down on this sin and hates it, not because he hates the person.  No.  This is a lie from the enemy himself.  Rather, the Lord hates homosexuality because of its ability to create in its host a vice of torture that slowly but obviously changes the character of that which is created, into an image that it was never intended to be.  God’s word says that we are fearfully and wonderfully made.  Yet when homosexuality takes hold, it corrupts the original wonder of what we were made to be and fills our lives with unintended pain, discomfort, doubt, senseless fear, etc.  God’s original intent for us was never anything like this.  The truth is, any sin has this effect but it’s my belief that homosexuality, because of its nature, has an elevated ability to destroy a person.  In the midst and core of this sin, there is a stronghold of hopelessness.  A hopelessness that says, “you will never be straight” or “you can never please God”…the lies are long and unending.  But the truth is: God can make “beauty from ashes”. God can give you joy again and yet we are foolish to think that homosexuality is just going to let us see this truth that easily.  I guarantee you (the reader) that homosexuality will do everything in its power to blind us from God’s truth, even to us who are “out” of the lifestyle, we are as in Nehemiah, carrying out our work with one hand and having a weapon on the other, (Nehemiah 4:17).  I feel that God’s anger is because He sees the original intent of His creation, the beauty that it was intended to be, and yet, He sees this parasite destroying it, and us allowing it to do so.  His desire is to spare us pain from a life devoid of what we were intended to be.

Northern Mockingbird (Mimus polyglottos) taken...

You want truth?  Take a look at a mockingbird and tell it to run a mile.  He may be able to do it.  But there is a vast difference from the bird running a mile and flying a mile.  The mockingbird was intended to fly.  If we were to cut off its wings we would impose great cruelty upon this beautiful creature.  We would force it to be something that it was not intended to be.  It is the same with homosexuality except homosexuality does not hesitate when it comes for our wings.  We were intended for much, much, much more, and yet homosexuality deprives us of our true worth and replaces it with false hopes and empty promises.  For some, when the realization of such promises comes to fruition, and we realize, “their empty” it’s too late.  Some will take their own lives.  Some, bought the lie of the guy that said, “I care about you, I’m clean, let’s have sex” only to wake up two or three year later with the news that “your life will now never be the same as long as you live”.

I hate homosexuality, and I hate the fact that I struggle with it.  I can’t wait, until that great day when all this will be over, the truth will be revealed and this world will fade away.  I hate the fact that my friends have to run this marathon when they were intended to fly.  I hate the fact that for now, all I can hope to do is glide.  Flight for me, is a promise that I will obtain when my creator I see on the blessed day.  Thank God for healing.  Thank God for a promise that is not empty.

Juan Castillo Jr.


14 thoughts on “Anger at homosexuality

  1. Juan, this is truly inspiring and I wholeheartedly applaud the courage you have to speak of such person things. I appreciate you and the words you speak, and I know your testimony will go great lengths to heal the hearts of many.
    I share your anger, and I think that homosexuality is one of the greatest curses on earth; taking something so beautiful (sex) that is supposed to be enjoyed between two heterosexual couples, and taking away that tremendous joy from a person who is struggling with same-sex attraction is such a tragedy. I share your pain and the injustice one could feel from the things life throws at you. But be courageous! God is with us, always.

    • Thanks Danny. I really appreciate your comment. It is a tough battle, but man, its awesome when you start walking with God and you start to realize some of the things you’ve always hanged on to are not needed. So liberating. I hope that through these blogs people that struggle can see that and run to Christ.

  2. I was so touched by this and had never read anything with more truth in my life. I hope you continue to write and shed more light to people that are struggling with acceptance…by that I mean the families and friends and loved ones

    • Thank Marie :). You touch on something that we rarely take into account. Something like homosexuality has a really wide influence ring. Not only does it affect the person that struggles, but it also affects the persons closes to them. Leaving their loved ones to wonder “what do I do” or “How do I deal with it”. Ultimately, the answer to that is just to continue loving the individual. But it makes things easier when parents and loved ones know whats going on.

  3. Pingback: | Rev Emmanuel Martey: Homosexuality is Abnormal and Filthy

  4. i know it feels helpless to not be able to help those who are hurting, and may be some of your friends turned back to the lifestyle because they wanted to feel connected to something since we all want to feel like we belong. the world is a very lonely place and having a relationship with God requires our full consumption of our time and energy, and we all lose focus at times. sometimes we find our way back and unfortunately sometimes we don’t.

  5. I sometimes experience anger at homosexuality too, though I believe I can use a lot more work in that area. Thank you so so much for this post. You have no idea how encouraging it is. 🙂


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