Do I regret leaving the gay lifestyle?


Lord Howe Island snorkeling - Double headed wr...

It’s funny how questions have a way of penetrating all sorts of defenses put up by the human psyche.  One of the greatest forms of debate is based on asking questions (that would be the Socratic form of debate…FYI).  It was one question that broke my back and finally brought me to the feet of Jesus.  Yet here in this moment I am confronted with one question still.  “Do you regret leaving the ‘lifestyle’?”

It’s tempting to dismiss this question for fear of appearing sacrilegious.  What if I was to say that I did regret coming back to the Lord?  What would people think of me?  The consequences to the answer of this question have the potential to decimate any hopes of any happiness left to acquire.  Nevertheless, it’s a question that has come to my attention by several of my friends and it’s a question I have sat down and thought of thoroughly.  Why ‘thoroughly’ you may ask.  After all, if this is something genuine, shouldn’t the answer be clear?

If there is one thing that I have learned through my struggles is this:  You have to be honest with yourself.  You cannot accept a notion, or feeling, or even a doctrine based on what other people may want.  Being honest with yourself means searching out answers to questions, and above all not being afraid to ask them.  Of course, this also means you have to be prepared to deal with what you find.  I thought of this question thoroughly because I want to make sure that I am being honest with myself.  In other words, If I truly regret coming to the Lord, I must be honest and admit it.  However, If I truly desire to be where I am now, than it must be because I truly desire it.  Not because of some notion to appease a religious circle.  I hope what I am saying makes sense so far.  If not, please keep reading, I think it will.

So, do I regret leaving the gay lifestyle and coming to the Lord?  If I am honest, I have to say that the decision to return to my savior is a decision that was made with great costs.  I have made many enemies because I have decided to leave the gay lifestyle.  Even some who claimed to be close friends of mine.  This decision also cost me a relationship that I valued greatly.  Even still in the midst of these it has brought me face to face with many hidden pains and insecurities that I wish I didn’t have to deal with.  At times, the pain of regrets, failures, and lack of understanding can seem unbearable.   Yes there is pain in this path.  It would be so much easier for me to just drop everything, stop fighting, and jump right back where I came from…

So another question comes forth.  Why don’t I? And it is in this question that I find my transparency.  I don’t jump back into the lifestyle, not because I’m afraid of offending religious people. Pft, please, I’ve been there done that (I’m actually quite good at offending religious people).  It’s not for fear of some punishment (I did not fear it before; I definitely would not fear it now).  It’s not to keep a good face or whatever it’s called these days.  If I’m honest; which I believe with all my heart I am,  I have to say, that I don’t go back to the lifestyle because I genuinely do not regret my decision in leaving it.

I would not lie to you; this is definitely not a bed of roses…..well maybe the ones with thorns…big thorns.  But where I am now, is so hard to explain in a post.  I look at days like adventures.  Every day is a different struggle (this may sound bad but it’s not).  I feel God’s power everyday fighting in me, for me, and for glory.  I learn so much about His plan for me.  How He loves me.  How He has always loved me even when I was not looking for Him, even when I mess up now.  God has shown me, that what He wants is me, all of me.  He wants my failures, my weaknesses, my strengths, my desires, my laughs, my cries, my all.   I can’t begin to describe the feeling that I get, waking up and knowing that God wants me.  And even if I get fat, or if I actually keep my workout goals, He’s still going to want me.  Even when I’m old, even when I ask dumb questions, He still wants me.   I see what He’s created me for.  He’s shown me the deceit of the lifestyle (ooh I’m sure I made some people mad now).   I see the pain it has cost me and many people I know…or knew.  Some have resorted to taking life in their own hands…by ending it.  Why, would they do such a thing if the lifestyle was so great and so enjoyable?

I’m tired of the lie that keeps being chucked in my face, “this is who you are”.  No, its not.  I have many struggles, but these don’t define who I am.  God tells me that I am precious, fearfully and wonderfully made.  That lifestyle tells me that sexuality defines who I am.  When you live a life based on your sexuality, appeal, and/or need for intimacy, you live a life that eventually will drop you in the midst of an empty bottomless hole.  Always seeking that which you think you almost have, only to find out, you don’t have it at all.

At any rate, as I sit here I genuinely say, I do not regret in the slightest bit leaving the lifestyle.  Not one bit.  However, I do regret the pain I have caused those whom have genuinely loved me.  I wish in many ways I could take back so much.  I wish I would have made the decision to come to the Lord before I had the opportunity to cause such pains.  This, I regret more than anything.

I say this to you who may struggle, are curious or are flat out in the lifestyle, I would desire all of you to stay away from it.  Ultimately however, this is a realization everyone has to come to on their own accord.  I can tell you till I’m blue in the face, how awesome it is to walk with the Lord.  If this would bring you to Him, trust me I would tell you till my face was not only blue but purple with pink dots.  But at the end of the day, this is something you have to search out for yourself.  When God brought me back, He brought me through much trial, searching, questions, and more searching….and more searching.  I hope that for you it may be different.  That you may run to the Lord and avoid one day looking back and saying ‘I wish I would have done that sooner’.

Juan Castillo Jr.

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14 thoughts on “Do I regret leaving the gay lifestyle?

  1. Your comment “sexuality defines who I am” was very insightful. God Instructs Christians to remain sexually pure, and Christians and unsaved alike have dismissed His Command as being impossible, oppressive and archaic in this day in time without considering that if we gave into all of our sexual desires that would make us no better than a dog in heat. God Values us as a child of His. It would be nice if all Christians saw themselves as a child of royalty, the King of all Kings, and not a lowly commoner succumbing to all of our primal desires. Sexuality shouldn’t identify us as Christians, our identity with God should. Regarding the backlash you encountered, it is better to suffer for Christ (1 Peter 3:17) and to count it all joy (1 James 1:2). God Holds us to high standards because we are striving to inherit His Kingdom, it would be nice if all Christians thought higher of themselves in that sense. But sadly, too often we think higher of ourselves as being better than others, which makes us look like hypocrites.

    • Thank you for reading! I think that one of the best weapons satan has used against the church is “identity issues”. For us not to see who we are in Christ is in essence a huge defeat (in the battle, not the war) since our authority, literally our being, rests and finds its purpose in Christ. “for you are not your own, you were bought with a price”. One of the many things that God has started to hash in me is my identity in Him. That is a daily lesson and just when you think you have it down, God just says “Here’s more” lol. However the awesome thing, is that, I know that I am so much more than what that world wants me to believe I am. They talk about “Pride” but at the end of that road, you are really left empty and proud of nothing. I am really Glad God intervened. And I would gladly take a gazillion backlashes if I had to :).

  2. Hi Juan,
    you are an inspiration, thank you for your transparency so very much. I don’t fully understand your particular battle but I do understand the sentiments you express. I have a friend who visits my site who is moving towards a gender change, your comments about identity resonate with me as I have made similar statements to him myself. Would you mind if I recommend your site to him? cheers, graeme

    • Thank you for your comment Graeme and thank you for your encouragement. Absolutely, please share this with whomever you feel would benefit from reading this post.

  3. Thanks for sharing your insightful views. Obviously this was a difficult decision to make but I love the perspective you share in discovering something and someone far better.
    “If there is one thing that I have learned through my struggles it’s this: You have to be honest with yourself. You cannot accept a notion, or feeling, or even a doctrine based on what other people may want. Being honest with yourself means searching out answers to questions, and above all not being afraid to ask them. Of course, this also means you have to be prepared to deal with what you find.”
    You challenge us all to live on a higher level.

  4. Reblogged this on Cite Simon and commented:
    Here’s a personal story that really connects the dots. Juan tells of his struggles and choices. We each face different issues but in the end it is the same solution of giving up what was to attain something far better. See what you think.

    • Yalanda, thank you for sharing. (I’m sorry for the late reply) but its appreciated. And please feel free to share with anyone who you feel would benefit from my musings 🙂
      Thanks again (Huge Hug) – Juan

  5. My daughter is going through this right now and, not knowing how to help her, I began searching the web. Your blog was such an encouragement to me and I hope it will be to her as well. She wants to leave the lifestyle and reconnect with the Lord, but her heart does not want her to end the relationship she’s in. It’s tough when the best gift you can give someone else comes with so much pain and suffering. But then again, no one knows that more than Jesus himself. Thank you for sharing such a personal story, it’s an inspiration to many, I’m sure.

    • Thank You Kim :). It’s encouraging to know this has helped someone. If I may give some advice, be sure to let your daughter know that above all you love her and so does the Lord.

  6. Juan, thank you for writing this. Please email me, if you can. I sat at the bar tonight feeling as though I lost the love of my life, questioning my decision. To go to god. I left the woman I wanted to marry so badly. Your post was so uplifting. It’s hard to follow god. It’s hard to make these decisions. We are so broken and human. I’ve had so many questions. One being why? Why can’t it be? I’ve finally found love. Your post gave me strength. Knowing that I am not the only one going that has gone them through this. It’s so hard and hardly anyone truly understands. We who fall into it are so broken, suffering from past hurts so deep. We seek love, as we naturally need. All people seek to fulfill these needs the best they know how. But the only answer is relinquishing control and setting down our life to our creator. Thank you for your post, again. It helped me in this moment when it was so overwhelming.

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