I think this year so far can be summised for me with one word, failure. Now before you go up in arms about how negative that sounds hear me out. True failure is rarely painted in a positive light. Trust me, I don’t like to fail so for me to even consider the fact that I have failed is…well, boarderline depressing. But the fact of the matter is that God, my God, is a God that works marvels…always. Anyways, I digress. This year I have failed in many areas of my life: my fellowship with the Lord, my fellowship with friends, fellowship with enemies, determination towards my goals and their completion, tests, and the list goes on. I cant even begin to tell you guys how many times i have literally thrown the towel (or whatever else is in my hands) in complete frustration at life. Problems with family, problems with friends, disappointment at every bend it seems. To make matters worse I’ve felt really distant from God. A distance that crept in slowly, without even noticing. To a point that when problems rose, winds blew and accusations flew, I literally did not have the strenght to take it. But the Lord, always proves himself faithful. It is throught this time, when I was so
empty, frustrated, depressed, and spent, that I (finally) started crying out to Him. And guess what He did?…He met me (Duh). But its not just that. See, I realized something. I always question wether I love God or not. Seeing as Im so quick to fall into things, I always ask “If I love God, why is it that I always fall”? But Its like that saying goes, “you dont know how much something is worth until you lose it”..or in other words, you dont know how much you love something until you dont have that something anymore. I think the fact that God was so distant (because of my lazyness of course) was a way of me “losing” that which I loved so much. Until the point when I realized how much I really loved that missing wonder. I dont know if this makes any sense to you guys. Its hard to put into a blog 3 billion thoughts and emotions. Nevertheless I think what Im trrying to say is, for some of you anyways, you have walked away from the Lord and you are beating youreself up because you say that “you know better”. You feel as if God is mad, disappointed, or “done” with you. Let me tell you, its not true. First of all, remember that at the cross, God paid for your past, present, and future sins. There is no sin that can surprise God that you could possibly do. Second, God’s love for you is beyond any love anyone can ever give you (or even imagine). If someone else can possibly forgive you, how much more God.
For me, it has been like a honey moon all over again. I finally started reading and meditating and spending time with the Lord. I wish I coud write everything that he is showing me like the fact that my failures are nothing but an alarm that tells me I need to seek Him more. God is never disapointed in me. Nor is He with you.
Trust me, there is nothing you can do that can seperate you from God. With that said; however, you need to come back to Him. He has not moved and He is not nor will He hide. Seek the One that truly loves you. Grab your bible and start to pray. Dont know what to say? Its ok. Maybe you’re not suppose to say anything. Maybe your supposed to stay silent in God’s presence and let Him shower over you silent whispers of encouragement. OR maybe He will show you what to say? Why is it that people think they need to have a whole book of things to say to God when they pray to Him. Sometimes God truly just wants you to be silent. At any rate, the point is to get into His presence. How? Get alone, I have lately been going to my balcony where I can see and hear nature. But I tend to connect with God easier in Nature. (Put me in a park, im happy). But for you, it may mean locking yourself in your room. Its up to you. the point is, get alone. Kneel? Unless you are lead its not really necessery. Some people kneel out of reverence. Nevertheless God will meet with you whether you kneel, stand, sit, lie down, cross your legs or your arms…..God is bigger than your body position, He’s not limited to a body position to meet with the one He loves. The important thing is to come with a willing, sincere, and expecting heart. Sincere? Yes come to God with absolute sincerety. God does not cower from your baggage. He’s way bigger, dont be afraid to speak to God concerning exactly how you feel, what you are thinking, etc….or what, you think He doesnt know whats in your heart already? Ultimately, know who God is. He is your God, King, Savior, Friend, Lover (yes I did say Lover because He is always staring at you in Love….ALWAYS) but this does not mean you need to paint perfectly eloquent speeches to impress the one who sees the muck in all of our hearts.
Anywho, Go do what you got to do right now. Go spend some time with God.
Juan Castillo Jr.