When All You Can Do is Scream at the Unclimable Mountain

This is a note I wrote during this past semester’s final week.  It was a time where I literally reached the tipping point of my exhaustion.  Yet in this moment is when the Lord really broke through in a way that I needed Him to.  He proved to be faithful yet once again.  Through my own writing He reminded me that He was in control, and that I could trust Him.

It’s been a while since I’ve written one of these notes. But right now I need to write one; to get my thoughts straight, to get my goals lined up.
I have not drunk yet I feel drunk. I am not sick but I feel noxious. The ropes of stress wrap around my throat and they choke me. And just when light begins to appear it seems as if it’s covered by another wave of datelines and responsibilities. I hurt. I can barely stand it. I set my mind as a flint toward completion. I tell myself “one day at a time”. I’m tempted to say “I’m strong, for I have overcome much” but that’s foolish talk. I am nothing but for the Lord. And it is in him I must now trust. I’m not in a physical war, nor am I on the streets. So I feel guilty for allowing myself to feel so wretched. True pain is felt by those who have seen death. I am but a coward and an immature weakling. Nevertheless, I don’t know what to do. I struggle to breathe and those things that have helped me in the past I’ve had to give up just to keep a steady pace. The gym has been distant. My friends even more. I walk hoping that this is all a dream….more like a nightmare. You know the one where all the books are falling on you…and they never stop. But here I take a deep breath. No one wants to hear a fool’s voice. And to read his words even less. I must take hold of the strength that has been given to me. I can’t walk away from the mountain before me. My only choice is to climb it. If I fall, well at least I’ll have peace. If I succeed, then I’ll be ready for the next one. I guess mountains are not that scary if you know what you’re doing. Just one day at a time. That’s all I got. I’m alive, I’m still sane therefore I can do this. One day at a time. One swing at a time. This beast can’t slay me. What am I thinking? Am I forgetting that the Lord, He is God? How foolish can I be? Men prepare their horses but the victory is the Lords. I know therefore I’ll have victory. This too will end! One day at a time…I’m not supposed to be worrying about the future anyways. Yes I feel better already. I can do this for I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Did not the Lord move the mountains of Hades to come get me? How much more imposing where those mountains compared to this? The arm of the Lord is not short that He can’t flex! The Lord, He is God and He is mine and I am His. Why do I keep forgetting? I‘ll be OK. I’ll be OK! Alright time to swing at these assignments. Time start climbing this mountain and stop this foolish whining.

Juan Castillo Jr.


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