So yesterday I was mad at God. Very mad. He’s brought me all this way in life, education and everything else, only to (out of nowhere) block my path. I was frustrated because at times I can’t help but to notice how those that are out there doing that which is harmful towards others, seem to be the ones that are well off. I work hard to try and get an education and it seems like every door somehow closes on me. Yet to others who don’t even know God the doors are wide open…more than wide open, more like broken-down-on-the-floor-gap-in-the-fabric-of time-and-pace open. It’s frustrating! And I told Him so. I whined and bemoaned my predicament. With angry words (which I shall not dare repeat) I expressed my exhaustive frustration. My weakness now in full display as I paced back and forth, seemingly speaking to myself, but knowing that I was in the presence of His Majesty, spilling all the anger, confusion, pain, and utter disrespect towards Him. And you know what? I was not struck down. As you will soon know if you read my blogs (key word being if lol). There is a reason I am telling this story. Let it be known my God is everything to me. I love Him greatly. My life would be completely different without Him in it. I dare say my life may not even be in existence right now if it wasn’t for Him. So yes, I do love my God. However, a relationship without quarrels is…well a weird relationship. As much as I love my God, I don’t always understand Him……actually I rarely understand Him. He does things that blow my mind! But sometimes He does things that blow my emotions as well.
Now I know some of you are already getting heated for me saying this lol (and yes, I genuinely do laugh out loud when I type “lol”…but I digress). Before you ask, the answer is yes. I know that God’s ways are higher than mine. Yes I know that all things work together for good. Yes I know that He knows the plans He has for me, etc. But I have to say, emotions and knowledge are two very different animals. Knowledge needs to control emotion, but that does not make the emotion any less painful. Truth is, in my opinion, we hide under the “Christiany” words too much. When we hurt, we pretend to have faith, when all along what we want to do is ask, why? But we can’t…because then that means we don’t trust God. Or does it?
I love David (King David from the bible) because he was a man of emotion, I mean like raw emotion. When he was sad, you knew it, when he was happy, you knew that too (sometimes a bit too vividly, as in the case of his dancing in the not so G rated linen episode…I digress). There’s this one place in scripture (among many, but this one is the most blatant one in my opinion) where David is taking the Ark of the Covenant…somewhere. The Ark titers as if it’s going to fall. One of David’s servants reaches out to steady the ark and the Lord kills him (the servant). There’s a whole lot of theological reasons why this was the case. But the point is David was Angry with the Lord because of this. (Uh I would be too). But yet David is the one the Lord Himself says “He is a man after my own heart”….am I missing something here? Actually, I’m not. David was a man after God’s own heart, but to do so, he had to come to grips with his heart as well. In order to do so, David was always genuine with the Lord. If he (David) was angry, he told the Lord, if he (David) was happy, he praised the Lord. But the key in all of this is that in spite of his (David’s) emotions, David still trusted the Lord. Huh? How can you be angry at the Lord and still trust the Lord? By admitting that you are angry, talking with Him, and then leaving the matter in His hands. He may or may not show you what is happening. Ultimately, He is in control.
I think that’s where I am at right now. I’ve expressed my anger, doubt, and confusion. I know the Lord has heard me. I know my God is good and I know that this is mainly because I don’t understand what’s happening. I can’t possibly understand His ultimate plan. He is way too amazing for me to even try. Therefore I’ll be genuine and won’t hide under the “Christiany” thing to say, but at the same time, I know that my God is in control. And I trust that. I just hope that part of the plan includes providing.
Oh I almost forgot. No I’m not mad at God anymore….at least I don’t think so. I still have this issue constantly on my mind. You may say “that’s worry!” and you’d be right. You may say “cast your worries on the Lord for He cares for you” and I’d say, I should. And I’m sure, God is going to teach me how to. But casting my cares on Him does not mean (at least not to me) that now I can go
and jump in a field of flowers and find Bambi. This does not mean however that I have no hope. Quite the opposite, I’ve been in situations like these before, and somehow…somehow, things always seem to workout. Maybe not the way I would have seen it, but I’m still here am I not? And if the time comes when I am not here anymore? Well I guess I don’t have to worry about anything else anymore (Oops, there goes that worry word again). Lol. My God indeed is awesome. I can’t wait to see what He’s going to do now.
Juan Castillo Jr.