So I’m taking a stroll down the street in my roommates jeep, I notice something that absolutely leaves me awstruck….People don’t know how to drive! Therefore, it is my duty to teach them. To show them the err of their ways. SO here it goes. Things that you should not do while driving.
Really, is is that important that you cant wait til you’re NOT driving to answer your friend about Sally’s new dress..Really. PUT THE PHONE DOWN! and drive…cuz after all, its called a road…not text blvd….or something…Just drive.
2. Remaining stopped at a green light…because youre texting.
I know that you are trying to be so good. Waiting to reach a red light so that you can reply to your friends dress dilemma…I applaud you…until the light turns green and you don’t move…now, I just want to clobber you…many many times….
3. Remaining stopped at a green light…period.
Soooo maybe your not texting…….so why is your car not moving when the light is green? Daydreaming? (here is when I wish there was such a thing as a NDWD=not driving while dreaming ticket….it would be a very very very expensive ticket)
4. Unwanted auditory experiences.
Its a tornado, no its an earthquake, no its YOUR BASE COMING FROM YOUR CAR! You know its bad when YOUR CAR tests the shatter limits of my window. I don’t appreciate my windows being tested. AND that includes my patience….TURN YOUR BASE DOWN. No one wants to hear the thing you call music.
5. Imposing your alpha male or female tendencies
The speed limit is 35…your going 20…therefore, I politely pass you. My road is clear. I can see ahead. all is fine with the world….UNTIL, you decided to pass me….not only that, but to get on my lane…..ONLY TO GO 20 MPH AGAIN!. Really!…the least you can do is remain going faster than me…(hopefully a cop tickets you for speeding…). Seriously, if you pass someone and get back on their lane…make it worthwhile.
6. Beautification of self
We all strive to look good somehow right? I mean, who wants to leave their hones with no lipstick on…oh my word may it never be! There is nothing wrong with taking care of your makeup….Just make sure that you are not driving at the same time. Not only are you going to fail at making yourself adequately beautiful by driving and makeuping (Is this even a word?), you are also going to make a lot more people uglier when your car slams into theirs….and cuts and bruises appear…and maybe some other things disappear…..NOT A PRETTY PICTURE!
7. Drinking and Driving (and this is actually a serious point)
Some people think they are pros at drinking. So much so, that they can handle a car while drunk. Man, that takes some mad skills. I mean wow, I would almost applaud you except for the slight fact that over 37% of driving fatalities are due to drunk drivers…people who think they are pros with their liquor.. .That’s 37% of sons, daughters, moms, dads, sisters, brothers, who don’t appreciate your skills. (and I seriously think the other 63% do either.) Don’t do it. If you must drink, get a driver. Its not cool nor funny to loose someone who is loved by someone else’s defunct skill.
8. Failure to inform me of your future plans
As I am driving perfectly down the road (cuz we all know that my driving skills are perfect…..I see you laughing….and its not funny). Someone decides that they MUST make a left turn….and forgot to tell me about it WITH THEIR BLINKER!…I think auto manufactures put those their for a reason….a reason that you OBVIOUSLY failed to comprehend…so let me give you some reasoning. BEFORE you turn and preferably about 200 ft away from your turning point, you want to signal your turn by assigning the appropriate turn signal. So that your rear end, does not appear before my front end, unannounced.
9. Wanting to be so close…..so close.
I am flattered when people take a initiative to know me intimately….really I am…..But there are just places that you should not go to get inside knowledge on my persona. My rear end is one of them…..yes you, mr and mrs tailgating person you (and not the fun kind of tailgating either). If you want to know me that intimately, I can accommodate you by slamming on my brakes and letting you get up and personal…( hope you have a good insurance policy if you live in Florida…cuz trust me, I’m gonna milk it for all its got….)
10. You have such a bright personality!
have you heard the song “this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine”? Well you must have cuz you are totally letting your light shine from the opposite side of traffic. So much so, that I cant see my side of traffic,. Your light is shinning so much , that the shear radiance of its magnificence causes me to loose focus of everything else around me but you. THIS IS NOT GOOD!!!!!! Turn your high beams OFF!
11. No EMO cars aloud
Is your car sad, depressed, driving through the city and no one noticing. Wanting to be seen yet being passed by all the other cool looking cars? well I have good news for you. Introducing, the “turn on your light” switch. With this “turn on your light” switch, your car becomes instantly visible. So much so that every one notices you. What a miracle! And if you act now, you can get this amazing “turn on your light” switch, absolutely free, just move the clicker and handle it.
12. Thinking signs are there just to look at
Wow, your car is faster than a speeding bullet!…(and then the alarm clock rang and you woke up). When you are driving 80 mph in an area where the signs specifically say 35mph…well you either don’t know how to read or you need to get the “turn on your light” switch installed on your car. Slow down! (I guess if you cant read…this post wont help you much)
13. fear of what is right
Yes, some people seem to dread the dreaded right. It seems as if the boogie man is right around the corner. He must be because people keep stopping right before they make a right turn… into a parking lot…from a busy highway…Really? Ok, Ill check for you…hmmm no boogie man that I can see. however I do see a booger man that needs to make a right turn right now so that people behind you can go on their right way…get your act right!
If you do these things, you will be an amazing driver…like me
Juan Castillo Jr.
For those of you who are like (WHAT…*start to write hate mail*) This is total satire. (its meant to be funny) buuuuut these really are my pet peeves. AAAND I was being completely serious on the Drunk driving part.