Excited over the new Superman ‘Man of Steel’ movie!!!!

Superman is one of my favorite fictional characters (the other one is Aslan…but to some degree I guess you could argue he ‘s not really fictional…) and his brand new movie is coming out on the 14^th (*does happy dance*). Needless to say I am totally excited over this new release because so far it looks like they have given Superman some serious thought.  Which he so needed!

Come june 14^th (God willing) you will find me in one of those lines wearing my favorite superman shirt and smiling from ear to ear.  Everyone needs some geek in their lives! J

After the Storm: A much needed update

Needless to say I have been MIA.  So much has happened it’s hard for me to gather my thoughts enough to form a coherent Blog post, but here goes: 

First off, let me thank those of you who have sent me encouraging e-mails, Facebook posts and Blog comments.  It feels good to know that people are behind you during rough times, and I have to admit these past two months has probably been one of the roughest periods for me in a long, long time.  My struggles reached an all-time high which lead me to question just about everything I thought I knew.  A deep desire rooted in obscurity finally saw the light of day as I was completely undone in the face of my weakness. I struggled and I struggled bad as I came face to face with the fact that I felt alone.  I wanted companionship and I was blinded to the Love of God.  In hindsight I am shocked as to how easy it was for me to forget how awesome the Lord was and has been in my life.  Nevertheless, I found myself in a spot of longing and seeking.  I also found myself in deep sadness as one of my best friends was leaving the states.  It was hard for me to handle all the emotions raging within me.  I found it hard to pray; heck I found myself not wanting to pray. 

Nevertheless, the Lord was faithful.  He reminded me of my true love, the only one I have given everything for, and most importantly, He reminded of who He was.  He was not a God given to PMS episodes.  He did throw temper tantrums when I messed up.  Rather, He was and still is patient.  Leading with His loving kindness and waiting for me to see truth.  I saw truth.  I saw the fact that what I am looking for A. I already have in the Lord.  B. I already have in the likes of my best friends.  

As the Lord usually does, He creates beauty from ashes.  My time of struggle has produced something wonderful in that I am acquainted with my weakness and am slowly losing the fear of failure.   God is also reinstating all the promises He has made over my life because they were nor are they dependent on my performance.  Satan deceived me into thinking they were, but they aren’t.  I have something to reach for now, I have a life to live.  

That’s not to say I am free from my struggles, how I wish it was so.  No I am not.  But, I now know, that I can walk this road hand in hand with friends who love me and a God who adores the living snot out of me no matter what I do.  That alone is worth all the riches in the world.  That alone, is indeed priceless….to be continued.

No more

I’m seriously tired of trying. Seriously, tired of trying. No more on my end. No more.

A forbidden desire

There are seasons where you feel as if your struggles are so insignificant that for a minute, you forget you even have them. And yet there are seasons where this monster is all you see in front of you.

The season I am currently going through is definitely the second. But in many ways, this season has hit me harder than any other struggling season I have ever faced. It literally feels as if I am barely holding on to a lifeline with a unraveling sewing string as the lifeline.
I really don’t know how much more I can take. It’s like wave after wave of wall shattering waves keeps crashing into an already compromised construction. To be real frank, this is mainly about my homosexual struggle. But it’s not about having sex with men. I don’t know if I can adequately describe this feeling. But I am honestly almost besides myself. What do I want I keep asking myself.
What do i really want?
Well I know what I don’t want. I don’t want sex with a guy. I guess what I want is hope. Sometimes I wake up in the mornings and I just wish there was someone next to me, in my bed. But it’s not about the sex. It just isn’t. I mean common? Who doesn’t like a good cuddle? And why is it that all my male friendships have to be so…awkward. I have to be careful not to fall for my guy friends and be careful about…well, everything?
I look ahead and frankly, I can’t help but to cry.
You know, someone who struggles with a sex addiction, has the hope to find a true mate, live with them via holy matrimony and be under God
‘S graces. Me on the other hand (and those in my shoes) can’t. It’s not like I could ever live with a guy in that fashion and to make matters worse I am not remotely even attracted to women. (Sorry ladies). I mean, not attracted romantically. But I still want to be loved. I want to be someone’s world and someone be my world. I used to have that. Loved him dearly. He was my world and I was his…a world I have up to follow God. Am I bitter? Heck I don’t know. I just don’t know. But it’s just not fair. I guess life is not fair. I have to get used to hugging my pillow at night. And living life knowing, that I will never have someone who’s waking thought is how much they love me.
They say that people need 12 hugs a day for growth….well, growth seems to be far in the book of my existence. Oh God tell me I’m not bitter. Please tell me I’m not bitter. But I can’t help to notice all the other heterosexual guys wrestling, jesting, being comfortable around each other. Probably because try don’t have to worry about doing something wrong. I can’t help but to be envious.
Ait, so what to do from here. Self pity is not becoming for anyone and this state is plain pathetic. I could die tomorrow for all I know…so what do I do right now. Right now.
I don’t want to end up alone. But all the signs points to that inevitable event. The day where all my friends will be married, and I will be In a room by myself realizing, there’s no one to share or that I have shared a life with.

Romantic love

I warn you guys. This is a dark post:

Love. What a cruel beast. Usually attacks the first victim harder then the second. And when that victim wants to share this vehement disease, he is confronted with the inevitable inequality. Curse you love and all your devices. Rarely is the outcome to this disease a good one. I fought hard to keep you away, especially after the first time I contracted you. You fooled me back then, told me you were vitamins or something like that. I wish you were vitamins. But the only thing you enforce is my determination to never allow you in. You have a horrid way of knocking on my doors only to bring me to utter ruin.
And yet, as hard as I tried. For all my craftiness, fortifications, and traps. You somehow evaded them all and behold, here you are. Stating at me, mocking me for I know what you’re about to do. Dangling my desire like a holster dangles carrots in front of a rabbit. You lead me to places I did not want to go, only to open the window of truth. The truth that says that that which I so want, I can never, ever, have. Curse you love and all your demonic devices. I long for the day I can chain you and pierce you through the heart like you have done to me, so so many times.
Why is this fair! Why is this fair. But one day, your devices will be useless against me. One day I will look into your eyes and say, “your abode is in he’ll”. I hate you love. And yet I love you. I wish I could feel you. I wish I could share you. Yet here I am, once again. Staring at that window. Knowing that I can want all I want but my want will never ever become reality.

Training all the way (train vs plane)

I am currently in the midst of experiencing that which most people are afraid to experience…a 34 hour train ride x2 (as opposed to a 5-8 hour plane ride). My verdict? I’m probably going to do it again. Not just because I’m a train fanatic; though this I am, but rather because my ride on this train trip has been by far more comfortable and hassle free than anything the airport or any plane for that matter could produce.

The seats are uncannily spacious. Ok, when a man like me can fully extend his legs and wiggle them yet still have room to spare? That’s what I call leg room. Moreover, there’s enough space laterally to where you don’t feel like you’re intruding into your neighbor space. Not to mention the fact that there is also electrical outlets which helps in the battery upkeep of my handy dandy IPod.

The windows are HUGE with ample viewing area. However, if you get an isle seat (like I have pretty much all throughout this trip) there is always the observation car whose windows are considerably larger (for obvious reasons). Moreover, unlike air travel which you are forced to look at the monotony of a clear/cloudy/stormy sky through a pee sized window; the train brings you face to face with mountains, rivers, fields, towns, industrial zones, oceans, farms, etc. There is always something new to see and enjoy!

What about restrooms? Well, as opposed to a plane where you are restricted to one (two on bigger planes) the train (Capitol limited) has about six, with one changing room.
Furthermore, you are more than welcome to stand up and use them whenever you want. In fact, you don’t even have to sit back down if you don’t want to, because on a train you can walk around. Forget those belt buckles that you have to wear due to possible turbulence; further restricting you to a suffocating, cramped seat.

Security? No frisking/x-raying here. You walk in, hand them your ticket and you board. That’s not to say that security is lax. Quite the opposite, the cops are out in force with their dogs sniffing every bag for possible threats. Truth be told I feel safer in a train station than an airport (and less stresses out too).

In reality, the only advantage the airplane has over train travel is speed. But when you see the things I have seen on this trip (pics coming soon), speed really is not that big of an issue.

Verdict? From now on, I will try my hardest to travel by train wherever I go. If time demands speed, then I will consider the airplane (but only after much deliberation). Needless to say, I have really enjoyed this trip and I recommend anyone and everyone to try an Amtrak ride.

PS. No I don’t get paid by Amtrak for this lol. (But I would not mind working for them .

Panhandler’s paradise

On a diverse food court, my touristic apparel is almost camouflaged by the gamut of transverse personality all rushing to one place or the other. Key word in the previous sentence being “almost”. I am convinced there is a “sucker” sign stapled on me somewhere for in the midst of this traveler quagmire, the panhandlers have fine tuned their antennas and to my surprise I seem to be the target!

Now I believe in helping the poor; the ones in need; the ones in pain for when mercy is given, mercy is returned. That and God also told us to take care of the poor. However, when I read reports that panhandlers make over 35k a year (with little to no expenses mind you) and further I see them buying booze at the local market, I can’t help but to feel angered and overly cynical of any and all panhandlers.

To be clear, I am not ignorant of the fact that there are indeed people out there who need the goodwill of some. Indeed, I am positive that there are many out there who find themselves at the mercy of the generosity of the few. But this fact serves only to anger me more! Due to the laziness, selfishness, and parasitical nature of some, the ones who truly need help suffer from the byproduct of cynicism resulting from the actions of these depraved.

I have heard stories of people who have fallen in hard times only to do the unthinkable (work minimum wage) while they get back on their feet. Doing things that no one wants to do. Labor in ways that would almost put slave labor to shame and all of this because there is a hunger for survival that genuine hardship creates.

To further clarify; I am we’ll aware that some of these on the streets may suffer from some form of handicap that may prevent them from being effective on their zeal to overcome adversity. However, these handicaps are; for the most part, easily recognizable from a simple conversation. On the other hand the professional free loafers I refer to are not only mentally capable, but physically capable as well to contribute to society.

Very Scrooge-like of me…I know. But if Jesus was angered at the thievery taking place in the temple when he was here on earth, I wonder if the same would not apply to these…people. I could be wrong. Maybe I need God to soften my heart. Indeed I am not perfect nor are my sins less than the free loader’s.

Nevertheless, so help me! If one more panhandler asks me for money, I may just lose my Christianity for a brief moment. (Thank God that’s not really possible).

A Subway sub on a Chicago moment

As I sit inside a Subway restaurant in Chicago, I take the moment to admire the magnificent downtown. With its imposing high rises; prolific in architectural detail, I am in awe of the richness of it all.

A seagull rises from the river as it catches an updraft propelling to speeds not common for such type of bird. Yet the juxtaposition of the natural and the man made; commonly at odds, here find harmony.

My view veers to the left as I capture others who appear to be tourists like myself, yet from a different home country. Germany perhaps? Indeed, it’s a sunny day with a bountiful promise of cheer and delight.

My thoughts now turn to all the wonderful places I have yet to explore. I am filled with glee and anticipation as I try to stuff the last few bites of my sub and at the same time finish writing this post. Oh wait, I still have two Macadamia nut cookies to inhale. Ahh, but it would be a waste to inhale those.

CHICAGO!

I have been told by an extensive amount of people that my love for architecture needed to be translated in a trip to Chicago. They where right. This city is gorgeous! The people are for the most part friendly and always willing to strike a conversation. Moreover, the people are active; jogging, walking, communing at the parks, etc. Let’s not forget the public transit. Buses (in spite of their boring color scheme) tend to have the proper seating layout; that is a forward facing seating layout that enables you to look out the window and admire the city. In addition, the windows tend to be large and free of arduous advertising. The famous ‘L’ tends to be clean and free of major eye sores. The diverse amount of people using the ‘L’ is a testament to the fact that mass transit here is not viewed as a low class form of transport but rather as a integral part of a thriving community.

As for the cold? Well, I can’t comment on that one quite just yet. So far on my stay here the temperature has not dropped past 30ish degrees (including wind chill). A temperature that I have been able to easily mitigate with layering of clothes topped with a good Pea coat. Currently, the temperature is at 55 degrees (which means, I can wear a regular jacket and be more than fine).

I really have been enjoying my time in this city. Today, I plan to go check out the architecture of Mr. Wright (Who is one of my favorite Architects).
Follow me on twitter if you want to read my impromptu musings (jcgator1). Otherwise, thank you for following my Chicagian (is that even a word?) adventure and ill see you on my next post .

Ps.

Don’t forget, pics will up. But I have to get home to work on them first lol.

Top of the morning to ya!

The morning has come and the view before me is that of open lands and farms in the midst of a cloudy morning. The announcer just announced out next stop; Waterloo Indiana. I wonder if that’s the train stop the Amish people who have been staring at me this whole morning are getting off on.
Chicago is not too far off now. At least I don’t think so. But in all honesty I’m enjoying my train ride so much, I would not mind it being a bit farther away.
My cold however has worked hard in making my trip as miserable as it could. It failed. But it still created some awkward moments. Especially when you’re sitting next to someone for 17 hours and your sick… Nevertheless, this morning has found me feeling better. My face actually feels normal again. I’m still stuffy, and sneeze but the body aches are gone…a major plus. I think a good shower would do me much good.